It’s Not a Funny Old Game
Remember When England Could Win Matches?
When Mladen Petric fired home Croatia’s winner and broke the hearts of every England fan on Wednesday night, I was reminded of an old sketch from the Mary Whitehouse Experience… [adopting a John Motson-style voice] “D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R-F-O-R-E-N-G-L-A-N-D…. and that could spell disaster for England!”. On a global scale, when watching news footage from cyclone-hit Bangladesh or the unfolding political tensions in Pakistan or the quashing of freedom in Burma, it’s easy to argue about the fact that this was, after all, only a football match.Well, of course it was, but it just feels so much more, well, disasterous.
Inept. A simple five-letter word that sums up England’s Euro 2008 campaign. In case you’ve forgotten it went like this (sorry for raking over the coals)…
- England 5 v 0 Andorra… reasonable start, job done.
- Macedonia 0 v 1 England… a lucky Crouch goal, far from convincing
- England 0 v 0 Macedonia… are you kidding?
- Croatia 2 v 0 England… Paul Robinson might never be the same again. The start of the goalkeeper crisis.
- Israel 0 v 0 England… three consecutive blanks fired against average opposition. The writing is on the wall.
- Andorra 0 v 3 England… Boo’d off at half-time but salvaged something.
- Estonia 0 v 3 England… forgettable encounter but the result was everything.
- England 3 v 0 Israel… the start of the false dawn
- England 3 v 0 Russia… “There’s only one Michael Owen”
- England 3 v 0 Estonia… Phew, crisis over. five straight 3-0 wins and now just one victory from qualification!
- Russia 2 v 1 England… grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory.
- England 2 v 3 Croatia… after the lifeline thrown by Israel, defeat was simply unthinkable.
McLaren refused to fall on his sword after the humiliation of Wednesday night, and it was the final insult because he left it to the F.A. to fire him from his contract on Thursday morning, pocketing a cool £2.5m in the process. Good luck and good riddance. At least Keegan had the backbone to walk away at the final whistle against Germany, and his successor, Eriksson, was ousted for “only being a quarter-final manager”. What would we give for one of those right now? However, we mustn’t be led into a state of false hope by laying the blame solely at the feet of the now ex-manager(s) and believing the promise of a brave new world under new and improved leadership. The ineptitude is prevelant throughout the whole operation. Just remember, if you dare, the farce of finding Sven’s replacement in the first place! So, Brian Barwick’s “root to branch” re-assessment and re-evaluation of the England set-up doesn’t fill me with any hope for a bright future. Where has it all gone wrong?
“Club versus country” is a term that is bandied about with gay abandon in these situations, but why bother? The war is over. The clubs won. The Premier League (and its merciless hunt for the promised land of the Champion’s League) is the all-conquering hero with the big four (Man Utd, Arsenal, Chelski and Liverpool) calling all the shots. Ploughing millions into football is often thought of as the perfect example of the phrase “more money than sense”. However, the numbers are compelling… Old Trafford has a 76,000 capacity and an average ticket price of £35, that makes £2.66m gate receipts per home game. Add your catering, programmes, merchandise sales and best of all the money from $kyTV and it’s suddenly easy to see how a few “£100,000 per week” wage bills are more than acceptable to ensure that high attendance and keep the millions rolling in. With money comes power and power corrupts. Football has never been bigger, but size, I am assured, is not everything.
Imagine… I am 25 years old, I’ve wasted my youth and sacrificed my education by skiving off school and doing nothing but play football and I’ve got to the stage where I’m good enough to work my way into a top flight Premier League squad. With barely an Englishman in the dressing room, I’m surrounded by the glitterati of the world’s game. Football’s own immigration crisis. I am pampered and molly-coddled and get my choice of wannabe WAGs from any girl band that happens to take my fancy. After a hard day’s work (i.e. three hours training) I’m off home to count my Porsches. Nice work if you can get it. Then the call comes through. It’s Steve McLaren, I’m in the England squad. I rhetorically ask myself, “What does this mean to me?”
I am reliably informed (well, I heard it on FiveLive) that the England players donate all their match fees to charity. Well, that’s good of them, no doubt, but does it give us a sense that they really don’t take it seriously enough. “Morale is high in the camp!” is always the mantra. However, is that because turning up for England is like some glorified jolly boy’s outing? Sure, everyone’s feeling groovy: it’s a bunch of young English lads touring Europe and the world and playing a game they love whilst their wives and girlfriends are all happy shoppers together. But the club managers, i.e. the people back home responsible for the lifestyle that the players enjoy, don’t want them to injure themsleves or tire themselves out and their word is God. Don’t try too hard.
In terms of motivation, donning the three lions is useful for one purpose… self promotion. Perform on the big stage, attract bigger wages and better contracts at your club (or a generous new one). And of course, they don’t have to worry about working hard for a contract, they can find an all-too-eager “Mr 20%” with a click of their fingers, who’ll get down and dirty in the negotiations. Club football is a team game, international football is not. There’s no discernable passion or pride amongst the players and none of them sing the national anthem. A “golden generation” they may be, England United they are not.
So, the F.A. are a business, not a sports governing body. Ineffectual at best, incompetent at worst. The players are not motivated by wearing an England shirt and are not motivated by winning. The manager and his staff have little influence over either the players or their clubs. That’s where it all went wrong and the failure to qualify was not such a big surprise after all. One day soon, I shall write down my ideas of how to fix this mess, for now, I’ll make my plans for a footy-free summer with a glum face.
Tags: Brian Barwick, Croatia, England, Euro2008, FA, Football, International, Kevin Keegan, Qualification, Steve-McLaren, Sven Goran Eriksson, WAGs
