Gary and Alan Preside.

The early evening TV schedules are packed to bursting with football at the moment.  Not surprising given that the biennial soccer festival that is either the World Cup or, in this case, the Euro Championships are here.  Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know that none of the home nations have qualified and, unlike the last time such a thing occurred, we can’t even pretend to Irish to give us a team to follow.  So, we can choose between sticking a pin in a map of Europe or sitting back in our collective armchairs and watching the antics with the impartial eye of the neutral.  I fall into the latter group, despite holding out a little bit of hope for Spain to finally show up and perform at a Finals tournament.  Who are your team?

Plenty of highlights so far (Germany losing, Ibrahimovic’s goal, total football from the Dutch) and the typical mix good, bad and indifferent matches but one thing has become blatently clear to me… ITV is rubbish.  The BBC coverage is slick, polished and effortlessly entertaining with a good selection of pundits and when you watch on BBC HD channel, it looks like a million dollars.  Now, I know that ITV HD is now available on Freesat but I can’t see that.  However, when you watch on ITV1 the picture looks like it’s been smeared in Vaseline, the commentators talk even more gibberish than their BBC counterparts and the advertising breaks and terrible studio make it almost unwatchable. How can coverage of the same event be at two such extreme ends of the quality spectrum?

Remember When England Could Win Matches?

When Mladen Petric fired home Croatia’s winner and broke the hearts of every England fan on Wednesday night, I was reminded of an old sketch from the Mary Whitehouse Experience… [adopting a John Motson-style voice] “D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R-F-O-R-E-N-G-L-A-N-D…. and that could spell disaster for England!”. On a global scale, when watching news footage from cyclone-hit Bangladesh or the unfolding political tensions in Pakistan or the quashing of freedom in Burma, it’s easy to argue about the fact that this was, after all, only a football match.Well, of course it was, but it just feels so much more, well, disasterous.

Inept. A simple five-letter word that sums up England’s Euro 2008 campaign. In case you’ve forgotten it went like this (sorry for raking over the coals)…

• England 5 v 0 Andorra… reasonable start, job done.
• Macedonia 0 v 1 England… a lucky Crouch goal, far from convincing
• England 0 v 0 Macedonia… are you kidding?
• Croatia 2 v 0 England… Paul Robinson might never be the same again. The start of the goalkeeper crisis.
• Israel 0 v 0 England… three consecutive blanks fired against average opposition. The writing is on the wall.
• Andorra 0 v 3 England… Boo’d off at half-time but salvaged something.
• Estonia 0 v 3 England… forgettable encounter but the result was everything.
• England 3 v 0 Israel… the start of the false dawn
• England 3 v 0 Russia… “There’s only one Michael Owen”
• England 3 v 0 Estonia… Phew, crisis over. five straight 3-0 wins and now just one victory from qualification!
• Russia 2 v 1 England… grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory.
• England 2 v 3 Croatia… after the lifeline thrown by Israel, defeat was simply unthinkable.

McLaren refused to fall on his sword after the humiliation of Wednesday night, and it was the final insult because he left it to the F.A. to fire him from his contract on Thursday morning, pocketing a cool £2.5m in the process. Good luck and good riddance. At least Keegan had the backbone to walk away at the final whistle against Germany, and his successor, Eriksson, was ousted for “only being a quarter-final manager”. What would we give for one of those right now? However, we mustn’t be led into a state of false hope by laying the blame solely at the feet of the now ex-manager(s) and believing the promise of a brave new world under new and improved leadership. The ineptitude is prevelant throughout the whole operation. Just remember, if you dare, the farce of finding Sven’s replacement in the first place!  So, Brian Barwick’s “root to branch” re-assessment and re-evaluation of the England set-up doesn’t fill me with any hope for a bright future. Where has it all gone wrong?

“Club versus country” is a term that is bandied about with gay abandon in these situations, but why bother? The war is over. The clubs won. The Premier League (and its merciless hunt for the promised land of the Champion’s League) is the all-conquering hero with the big four (Man Utd, Arsenal, Chelski and Liverpool) calling all the shots. Ploughing millions into football is often thought of as the perfect example of the phrase “more money than sense”. However, the numbers are compelling… Old Trafford has a 76,000 capacity and an average ticket price of £35, that makes £2.66m gate receipts per home game. Add your catering, programmes, merchandise sales and best of all the money from $kyTV  and it’s suddenly easy to see how a few “£100,000 per week” wage bills are more than acceptable to ensure that high attendance and keep the millions rolling in.  With money comes power and power corrupts.  Football has never been bigger, but size, I am assured, is not everything.

Imagine… I am 25 years old, I’ve wasted my youth and sacrificed my education by skiving off school and doing nothing but play football and I’ve got to the stage where I’m good enough to work my way into a top flight Premier League squad. With barely an Englishman in the dressing room, I’m surrounded by the glitterati of the world’s game. Football’s own immigration crisis. I am pampered and molly-coddled and get my choice of wannabe WAGs from any girl band that happens to take my fancy. After a hard day’s work (i.e. three hours training) I’m off home to count my Porsches. Nice work if you can get it. Then the call comes through. It’s Steve McLaren, I’m in the England squad.  I rhetorically ask myself, “What does this mean to me?”

I am reliably informed (well, I heard it on FiveLive) that the England players donate all their match fees to charity. Well, that’s good of them, no doubt, but does it give us a sense that they really don’t take it seriously enough. “Morale is high in the camp!” is always the mantra. However, is that because turning up for England is like some glorified jolly boy’s outing? Sure, everyone’s feeling groovy: it’s a bunch of young English lads touring Europe and the world and playing a game they love whilst their wives and girlfriends are all happy shoppers together.  But the club managers, i.e. the people back home responsible for the lifestyle that the players enjoy, don’t want them to injure themsleves or tire themselves out and their word is God.  Don’t try too hard.

In terms of motivation, donning the three lions is useful for one purpose… self promotion.  Perform on the big stage, attract bigger wages and better contracts at your club (or a generous new one).  And of course, they don’t have to worry about working hard for a contract, they can find an all-too-eager “Mr 20%” with a click of their fingers, who’ll get down and dirty in the negotiations.  Club football is a team game, international football is not.  There’s no discernable passion or pride amongst the players and none of them sing the national anthem.  A “golden generation” they may be, England United they are not.

So, the F.A. are a business, not a sports governing body. Ineffectual at best, incompetent at worst.  The players are not motivated by wearing an England shirt and are not motivated by winning.  The manager and his staff have little influence over either the players or their clubs.  That’s where it all went wrong and the failure to qualify was not such a big surprise after all.  One day soon, I shall write down my ideas of how to fix this mess, for now, I’ll make my plans for a footy-free summer with a glum face.

Another View

The recent England football internationals gave me another excuse, as if one were needed, to head down to the local pub for an afternoon of beer and shouting at the television.  There was a noticable lack of interest in the match against Israel as proved by the usual masses of fans, draped in St George’s Crosses and replica kits, being largely absent (“part-time supporters”, what would you do with ‘em, eh?).  Despite that, the on pitch performance was pretty good.  Steve McLaren stumbled across what appeared to be a cohesive team.  Forced to drop Lampard, Beckham, Rooney, Crouch and Hargreaves all of whom would have started if SM had had his way, we saw Wright Phillips, Barrie, Gerrard (in position), Owen and the much derided Heskey gel together to give the home nation a 3-0 win.  It’s a shame this was all by accident rather than design but it still proved successfull enough for the head honcho to name an unprecidented unchanged side against Russia on Wednesday.  Gus Hidink’s side proved tougher opponents but the result was the same as Owen broke the 40 barrier with his international collection of goals.  It will now prove to be a tough decision for McLaren to make to see who gets the nod for the next game in October… keep your superstars on the bench or commit the cardinal sin of management and change a winning formula.  The biggest test of his management is, I feel, yet to come.
The difference, from a purely personal perspective, was that I watched the Russia game at home (because of the 5am start I had in prospect on Thursday morning).  I got to hear Motson and Lawrenson’s commentary although that is not necessarily a good thing but really there was a definate lack of atmosphere and I missed having people to chew over the match with.  The whole thing got me thinking as to why people don’t go to the pub to watch things other than sport.  Should I head out to a local establishment and try and find somewhere to watch the new series of the Sarah Jane Adventures next Monday?  I thought not, but I’m not quite sure why.  Any ideas?

Broad Shoulders

Way back in the dark ages, over two years ago if you’re counting, the very first post on Fazzinchi.co.uk was not about Doctor Who, sci-fi, or the latest American import show. It was, in fact, about cricket. My sports-related blogging has been somewhat lacking of late but what better time to resurrect the past-time? The big sporting question of the weekend is choosing what to watch at 5pm on Saturday afternoon. On ITV, the English rugby team are begining the defence of their World Cup crown in their opening game against the USA (they have no chance of retaining it, by the way!). Meanwhile, Steve McClaren is finding life tough as the manager of the footballers and their crunch match, in the Euro2008 qualifiers against Israel, begins (on BBC1) at, oooh, 5pm. Elsewhere, at the home of cricket, Lords, the vastly improving One-Day side make their final appearance of the summer (in England, at any rate) in the decider of the magnificent 7-match series with the touring Indians. If everything goes to form, the final 20 overs of this thrilling series will start…. at five o’bloody’clock.

I think the lure of the pub will win out for me (see you at 4:30pm, at the Nags!) and then I’ll record highlights of the other two games.  I’ll try and post something about the football after the event (full of vitriol over another unsipid England performance and the inabilty to score past a stubborn Israel defence… 0-0, if want my prediction) but for now, I’ll talk about the cricket.

The sudden and surprising rise of the Twenty20 format could have sounded the death knell for the 50-over version of the game and the forthcoming Twenty20 World Cup could still prove a huge success, but this series, currently poised at 3-3 has restored widespread faith in the game.  Good pitches, well matched teams and sell out crowds that the Indians always seem to attract appears to have brought out the best in the players*.  And England, who have been close to woeful for a couple of years, have found a new lease of life under the experienced tutelage of Moores and captaincy of Collingwood.  Some bright, young things are getting selected too and that can only bode well for the future.   Cook, Broad, Anderson, Bopara, Wright, et al have all had a chance to shine and grasped their opportunities with both hands.  Mike Selvin in today’s Guardian recommends that Flintoff withdraws from the 5-day test squad to concentrate on these shorter forms for the sake of his dodgy ankle and the longevity of his career.  I think he makes a good case.
(* = except the criminally off-form, Kevin Pietersen)

274 Years To Go

Week 34 presented me with an opportunity to watch a new installment of an old favourite of mine as I dusted off the copy of Babylon 5: The Lost Tales that I had brought back with me from my recent (and much mentioned) holiday to the States. My expectations were low (a straight to DVD movie, years after the original series had finished, did not bode well) but, you’ll be pleased to hear, expectations were exceeded… but only just. A full review will follow soon. The rest of the week had a certain sporty feel to it with my viewing schedule being replete with a couple of one-day cricket encounters between England and the touring Indian side, along with a couple of football matches too. Unfortunately, only one of these four ended in a positive result (from my perspective, at any rate). The Other Viewer, not being a sports fan of any note, was demonstrating great patience: even to the extent of sitting through England’s (ultimately unsuccessful) run chase on Friday night’s game. Elsewhere, I also caught a couple of episodes of Friends on E4… well, they’re hard to miss really! However, they’ve now gone back to series one again and it’s fun to see how it all started (and actually how much better it was back then). Show of the Week award has to go to Babylon 5, not because it was the best thing that I watched (that was probably House) but because it may well be the only chance I ever get to give the award this fantastic series.

• Sun 26th Aug: House “The Jerk”; Football ManU 1 v 0 Spurs (2nd half only); My Name Is Earl “South of The Border – part 1″
• Sat 25th Aug: House “Resignation”; Studio 60 OTSS “The Long Lead Story”
• Fri 24th Aug: Cricket 2nd ODI Eng v India (India comeback)
• Thu 23rd Aug: Friends “The Pilot” and “The One With The Sonogram at the End” , Babylon 5: The Lost Tales (DVD)
• Wed 22nd Aug: Football friendly: England 1 v 2 Germany
• Tue 21st Aug: Cricket 1st ODI Eng v Ind (easy win!); House “Family”
• Mon 20th Aug: True Dare Kiss “Episode 6″; Megastructures “America’s Biggest Dig”

Smithster and Gavster

Week 20, and I must confess that it is proving quite a challenge to keep my viewing diary up-to-date. You may have noticed, faithful reader, that I am not here every day to update the lists of the shows that I’ve been watching. It is a fact that I shall attempt to rectify since it’s not like I’m ever away from a computer but it’s a fact nonetheless. So, when it comes to trying to recall the programmes that I have been watching over the last four or five days I find myself recollectionally challenged (Did I just make up a brand new word?). However, the aforementioned “week 20″ has brought some good things to my attention, least amongst them the FA Cup Final that was a dreary affair, the less said about which the better. More encouragingly was the start of summer as the home test series between England and the West Indies got underway with the to-be-expected comprehensive quality of Sky’s coverage. I also managed to watch Perfect Night In that I had recorded from the previous Sunday. It was essentially a talking-head, list type show with which we are all too familiar but was raised a level by the relaxed and slightly left-field chat between hosts Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. However, the Show of the Week has to be the previously reviewed Gavin and Stacey that has lit up the schedules here at Fazzinchi Towers.

• Sun 20th May: Cricket on Five (4th day of the Test… 7.5/10); House “Son Of Coma Guy” (6.5/10); Lost “Greatest Hits” (9/10)
• Sat 19th May: Football FA Cup Final (3.5/10)
• Fri 18th May: Have I Got News For You (8/10); Ruddy Hell It’s Harry and Paul (7/10); Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (7/10)
• Thu 17th May: Cricket Eng v Win 1st Test; The Apprentice “Week 8″ (8/10); Gavin And Stacey “Ep 1″ (9/10) and “Ep 2″ (8.5/10)
• Wed 16th May: Desperate Housewives “Into The Woods” (7/10)
• Tue 15th May: Heroes “Distractions” (7.5/10); Prison Break “Wash” (7/10): Football Derby vs Southampton
• Mon 14th May: movie “Just Like Heaven” (6/10); Frost and Pegg’s Perfect Night In (7/10)